To Fuse or Not to Fuse: on DID Integration

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Blogging because I love to write, blogging to connect with the world, blogging to be the change, blogging to grow, blogging because I can.

This post assumes you know what a dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder) is, how one develops such a condition, and either have this condition, or are curious about it.

Keeping it short and sweet, integration, in my experience, developed naturally. Integration, in my definition, means for the front personality/identity to become aware of other aspects, splinters, colors, parts of one’s total personality state, and to welcome and work towards co-operation and integrating this as a part of one’s total being.

This can be enormously challenging with the reasons why going beyond the scope of this blog post.

I’ve resisted blogging openly about my personal complex-PTSD experiences because I have resisted allowing a condition developed from adverse childhood experiences (ACE Study) define me. My muse in the 90s, a time when little was known about extreme abuse, suggesting an alternative recovery thrust: that of identifying with passion, purpose, and service.

But here I am, writing about it, under a pen name, which was initially established to foster a sense of safety, and anonymity, with hopes of alleviating harassment by former perpetrators when I chunked out a memoir project as a part of my recovery journey. Well, that plan of action didn’t work, the harassment came anyways as I became healthier, and more vocal as a writer and artist about my journey, but here I am, invested in the name Ginger Freedom, and hanging on to it, as an umbrella for all of who I am.

In presenting life I have two main front parts and an integrated rich inner life of what was once some 90 parts, identities, fragments, splinters.

Over 20 years it has taken to integrate.

Who I am has set the intention to “fuse”, but “fuse” is extremely evasive, and this I believe has to do with irreconcilable world views and my inability to work this out, which fundamentally is an identity and a gender/non-gender issue.

The main front part, M., identifies as a feminine essence in a woman’s body but doesn’t have any attachment or gender identity at all.

My other main front part, D., identifies as being comfortable in a woman’s body, but definitely identifies as Mahu, a Polynesian notion of just being, a balance of masculine and feminine flames.

Both have distinctly different styles and ways of interaction, and it is only in the last year or two, as M. has blended with D. and D. has blended with M. that D.’s mid-western vocal twang has disappeared.

It is a constant struggle over space, with D. designing his own websites, M. designing her own websites, when people inquire about my name, sometimes it is D., sometimes it is M., and sometimes it is a spiritual name, Sky Hawk.

I think, I’ve wanted to fuse, because I want to appear less like a freak in the world. As I consider the term freak, I realize, if one is being authentic to ones truest, most profound and honest sense of self, there is absolutely NOTHING freakish about this.

So, understanding this, I quest to educate and to point out, having a sense of self that fluctuates through time/space and from situation to situation, well, I believe this is a part of the human experience.

I quest to help others be more fully themselves, and in so doing, I actively contribute to the process of fostering a kinder more aware world.

Wow, now I feel a bit more ease in my body. A sure bet way know if an intentional effort adds to the well being of the planet.

Misa Miele Mandigo Kelly (1)

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